I just live in a fatphobic society.

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I always say I hate dancing. I actually enjoy it. But I seldom dance in public or in front of people, so I say I hate it. When I’m at home, I love nothing more than a dance party in my living room or while cooking and you can often find me spinning around in my pool dancing. I’m by all means not a good dancer. I have no “moves” or impressive dance skills. I may well look uncoordinated and ridiculous when I do it. But I enjoy it. Yet when at a party or wedding or bar you likely…

And why I almost did

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I used to know a guy (sleep with a guy), who I once considered a supportive person. In retrospect, it was four years of emotional abuse. He was one of the more harmful relationships I’ve had. His worsening treatment of me eroded my self-esteem until he had a total influence over my worth.

At a certain point, my therapist flat out told me he was abusive and I needed to cut all ties. And that was the end of my friendship, situationship, relationship, whatever-you-want-to-call-it-ship with him.

While he no longer exists in my life I’d hear things from friends of…

From someone who used to have none.

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I used to think my needs were too much. If I said no to anything I was being rude. Moving my life around to fit others was being kind and accommodating. I wanted to be useful, helpful because that’s what I associated with being a good person. I thought that meant giving up anything I wanted or needed to please others. I ended up in uneven relationships and hurt, disappointed, and even angry. The bottom line, I had no boundaries and it was not working for me.

When I first started to learn about boundaries I admit I went to…

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Three-quarters of the way through my junior year, my college partying “fun” was at an all-time high and so too was my depression. I also somehow had managed to get strep pretty much every month so it’s safe to say I was not doing a good job of taking care of myself. I hit rock bottom, details of which I’ll leave for another story, and decided that I had to make some changes. My two main starting points to getting healthy and happy were 1. I found myself a therapist and 2. I decided to be sober for one year.

…even if it’s tempting to!

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Choosing unavailable people is the easiest way to be dissatisfied with your relationships. It is also sometimes the hardest thing to spot and admit to ourselves when we have feelings for someone. If they’re unavailable it doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t like us which is where our denial can blind us. It is possible to have a deep and intense connection with someone and it still not be a relationship we should pursue because they are unavailable. Not every connection, no matter how amazing it might feel together in the moment, will or should end up in a romantic relationship.

That you might be guilty of too.

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I did not always know how to spot a bad friend. It’s a skill I had to develop as I learned about boundaries and unlearned my own unhealthy behavior in friendships. Sometimes friendships seemed so easy when really they were not good for me at all, and sometimes I thought I was being a good friend when really I wasn’t.

My worst trait was never knowing when to step away. …

A gym is not always just a gym

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When I first moved to LA, I joined a gym. This particular gym was incredible. The people, both trainers, and participants were approachable, non-judgmental, and I had no reason to feel uncomfortable. I did not have any negative experience there and yet I had so much anxiety stepping foot into that place. Why does hearing “sweat every day and your life will be better” make me angry? Why does it feel safer to turn off the alarm and cancel instead of turn up? Well, because it is still a gym. It is still a symbol, a representation of trauma to…

Without blue hair and a nipple piercing

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I don’t really understand why we make turning 30 a big deal. I understand the fears individuals have, I had them myself in my early twenties, but I don’t understand why as a society we continue to pass on the myth that this age is a tipping point for your life. People live longer than ever now so 30 almost seems puny in the grand scheme of things.

More often than not the dread comes from this theoretical framework set by society that we should all be desperate to fit into. You must be married with a baby by 30…

Cesca Nichol

Truthful writer about love, life, relationships, trauma, mental health and getting through each day as it comes. Also a big fan of dogs.

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